Disposables: Those are the segment of our Society whom face an "uncertain, if not inevitable" end to their "Life as they know it". They are that branch consisting of the white collar, blue collar, professional, non-skilled and skilled group of persons who live their lives clueless as to what "tomorrow will bring". They are that branch of individuals whom go headlong into the "arms of another for Love!" They the throngs who place their faith in our Government, not questioning "It's" motives, decisions and "It's" authority over our daily lives.
I see and read of the masses losing jobs, homes and a way of life they might never see again. I see and feel the "pangs" of Love when it enrapts one, or it leaves one devoid of that "security of having Love in one's arms". I see our Government failing to explain and cure the "Monolith" of debt and abuse of power it has incurred through the "mindless abuse of our Consumerist Society". And now I begin to unfold the reason for this particular "painting" of my life, dear Readers.
As the impending "ugliness" and finality of my Divorce comes to a head I am beginning to review this in a different light. My approach to the matter has at times (mostly) been one of "procrastination through denial". "Wrong thing to do!" I have allowed myself NOT to tackle and remedy immediate issues, such as; an Attorney, a place to live, a bank account on which to live, a second job and the list could go on. I have to ask myself, "Why and for what purpose?" The answer?!! Honestly, "maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. Eh?" Maybe this is that final College Thesis I am to experience in order to achieve my Diploma. Too far fetched? Well, Artist's DO have a reputation for being a bit "out of the ordinary". Emotionally some of us should be clinically impounded. Some Artists such as Van Gogh, "wow", "train wreck!, however, his life is very interesting to me. Number one, his Artistic Production was unique as to in very early years he was producing alot with "no direction", not very much emotion. There came a period of self-denial, an inability to work for lack of "motive". There was his period of a person with self-inflicting emotional and financial wounds caused by the former, I'm sure. Then came a period of indulgence. He was quite the "Bohemian" giving way to the losses he could not explain to himself; love, money, career, etc. Then, briefly, he began to review these experiences and thus gave way to a new "expression" of his life and his emotions and his view of reality. To a "layman" this might seem quite f....d up! His paintings evoke this "madman" with a knack for distorting the reality of imagination. For me however, I see it as the end of His apprenticeship in Art, just in a more severe way. I try to stray from the self-inflicted tortures through abuse of Absinthe and cutting one's earlobe off! I would think the hangover from the Absinthe would be enough!
So, here I am once again in the "Rider's Seat" being driven to..."who knows where". But, this time it's different. Rather than accepting the "ride" I am also beginning to look out the window during my "Ride". I accept the fact that the wheel might be in someone else's hands, but it is me who has "climbed into the passenger seat". It's my Destiny, my Fate. As I like to say, "We come into this life alone and go the same way, it's all about "how y'wanna go!" It's been quite the "emotional roller-coaster" for the past several decades and now it is time to reflect, ingest and "Paint". I have quite literally made myself "Disposable" to someone else's inabilities to keep a promise of "Love". Something "popped that festering boil" inside this relationship and I Know it wasn't all my doing. And for the first time in my life "I don't care!" I am ME! I kinda like ME! And so do quite ALOT of people! So, gotta be sumthin' there besides the entertainment. I'm a bit "gunshy" in the Love Dep't at Macy's right now, but I have love from friends and family.
Last week my friend Bill asked if I wanted to join him on a roadtrip to Indy and to Louisville for the weekend. I needed the emotional break and said yes. As we were heading back to Indy Saturday afternoon from a convention in Louisville, Bill had called his girlfriend. His conversation ended with, "I love you." I felt a hole grow inside. I remember that! Love! And now I'm on the road with no one to say it to. That "special love" between two people, it wasn't there. The hole hurt my gut. And then, my cell rang; sometimes things "just happen", it was my daughter Kellie calling to tell me her boyfriend just proposed and!! it was His Birthday! Dear Readers, I needed that. I guess I needed it so much I broke into tears of joy. Gawd! How embarassing! In front of my friend I'm blubbering like a baby! However, as true friends go, he offered me a tissue. ...thanks, Bill! I felt like I was on a cloud! I needed that! I love Kellie and her boyfriend (now fiance) Aaron. And they have given me a beautiful grand daughter! (Okay, Audrey and Seth, "It's your turn!") See, dear Readers, I might be "gunshy, a bit jaded", but I realise love is still in my heart and will always be. The "disposable" guy I have been made into will be (maybe) sorely missed by someone someday. It's already too late to reconcile. My heart has no place for her and "it's here on the internet"!
And now for the Transparencies. It was Monday, late afternoon as I was leaving work and walking through the parking lot I passed a man with a garbage sack in hand. I will describe him as (and I hate saying, or using the word) a "black" man, bedraggled and quite "buzzed"! As I passed him rather than hearing, "can you spare...." instead, it was, "Don't mind me Sir, I'm just lookin' for cans and bottles." I passed and got into my van. As I sat there I watched him rummaging through the plastic bins that many do nowadays and then it hit me! That could be me! These times are uncertain and who knows what tomorrow will bring?! I circled the parking lot digging for money at the same time and found a $5 bill. I drove into the alley he was in and stopped. He was trying to navigate a smaller alley about 3 feet in width. As he bounced with the agility of a dancer this person was without a doubt, "shitfaced"! I rolled the window and motioned to him. He came up to the van and handed him the $5 bill. I said, "Here, I don't care what you do with this, I just want you to know that I care." Dear Readers, WTF!! What is happening to me?! This Man looked at me with bloodshot eyes and sobbed! It wasn't just tears, it was PAIN! I felt for this person. I felt his pain! And then through the veil of saltwater he tried to tell me his story. It was brief, but it was his life. He was a carpenter, also an alcoholic, had also been kicked out of his home. He faced that evening not knowing. Fear was his reason to be drunk. The uncertainty of what "tomorrow will bring" is always (for some) a good excuse to drink. However, I didn't care at that moment, I was more moved by the fact that this individual brought back to me a flashback of Nicaragua as I saw the face of that little girl standing on a boulevard begging. I left him by saying I knew his pain without being in his shoes. And as I drove away pissed off at my inability to help other than give him some change for more drink, I became angry! I realised for the first time how WE as a nation, supposedly the richest, have completely ignored our fellow Humans. WE have ignored their plight, their fight to eck an existence on a daily basis! My predicament is NOTHING compared to that Man's plight!!! I am guilty for ignoring him and others whom exist in OUR country!! As I sat that late afternoon sipping my beer at the Nuggett downtown, I felt a parallel to my existence and his. The difference only that I have opportunity and he has none.
How and Why, dear Readers?! This question is certainly one we will all be asking shortly. The episode that afternoon has given me another canvas to paint. My emotions are high, my heart is for humankind and we certainly need more. I will bid you all Peace and hope you all will share your thoughts to the world on this growing issue.
Not quite the way I thought this blog would end, but it's the same with my painting, also. From the "World's most Unfamous Artist", thank you.
......**I dedicate this blog to the memory of my Father who was born on this day and who gave our Family his devoted love. I still miss him and his guidance after his passing 34 years ago. "If there is a Heaven I know he's there and he's the "Bartender"!!!****
I see and read of the masses losing jobs, homes and a way of life they might never see again. I see and feel the "pangs" of Love when it enrapts one, or it leaves one devoid of that "security of having Love in one's arms". I see our Government failing to explain and cure the "Monolith" of debt and abuse of power it has incurred through the "mindless abuse of our Consumerist Society". And now I begin to unfold the reason for this particular "painting" of my life, dear Readers.
As the impending "ugliness" and finality of my Divorce comes to a head I am beginning to review this in a different light. My approach to the matter has at times (mostly) been one of "procrastination through denial". "Wrong thing to do!" I have allowed myself NOT to tackle and remedy immediate issues, such as; an Attorney, a place to live, a bank account on which to live, a second job and the list could go on. I have to ask myself, "Why and for what purpose?" The answer?!! Honestly, "maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. Eh?" Maybe this is that final College Thesis I am to experience in order to achieve my Diploma. Too far fetched? Well, Artist's DO have a reputation for being a bit "out of the ordinary". Emotionally some of us should be clinically impounded. Some Artists such as Van Gogh, "wow", "train wreck!, however, his life is very interesting to me. Number one, his Artistic Production was unique as to in very early years he was producing alot with "no direction", not very much emotion. There came a period of self-denial, an inability to work for lack of "motive". There was his period of a person with self-inflicting emotional and financial wounds caused by the former, I'm sure. Then came a period of indulgence. He was quite the "Bohemian" giving way to the losses he could not explain to himself; love, money, career, etc. Then, briefly, he began to review these experiences and thus gave way to a new "expression" of his life and his emotions and his view of reality. To a "layman" this might seem quite f....d up! His paintings evoke this "madman" with a knack for distorting the reality of imagination. For me however, I see it as the end of His apprenticeship in Art, just in a more severe way. I try to stray from the self-inflicted tortures through abuse of Absinthe and cutting one's earlobe off! I would think the hangover from the Absinthe would be enough!
So, here I am once again in the "Rider's Seat" being driven to..."who knows where". But, this time it's different. Rather than accepting the "ride" I am also beginning to look out the window during my "Ride". I accept the fact that the wheel might be in someone else's hands, but it is me who has "climbed into the passenger seat". It's my Destiny, my Fate. As I like to say, "We come into this life alone and go the same way, it's all about "how y'wanna go!" It's been quite the "emotional roller-coaster" for the past several decades and now it is time to reflect, ingest and "Paint". I have quite literally made myself "Disposable" to someone else's inabilities to keep a promise of "Love". Something "popped that festering boil" inside this relationship and I Know it wasn't all my doing. And for the first time in my life "I don't care!" I am ME! I kinda like ME! And so do quite ALOT of people! So, gotta be sumthin' there besides the entertainment. I'm a bit "gunshy" in the Love Dep't at Macy's right now, but I have love from friends and family.
Last week my friend Bill asked if I wanted to join him on a roadtrip to Indy and to Louisville for the weekend. I needed the emotional break and said yes. As we were heading back to Indy Saturday afternoon from a convention in Louisville, Bill had called his girlfriend. His conversation ended with, "I love you." I felt a hole grow inside. I remember that! Love! And now I'm on the road with no one to say it to. That "special love" between two people, it wasn't there. The hole hurt my gut. And then, my cell rang; sometimes things "just happen", it was my daughter Kellie calling to tell me her boyfriend just proposed and!! it was His Birthday! Dear Readers, I needed that. I guess I needed it so much I broke into tears of joy. Gawd! How embarassing! In front of my friend I'm blubbering like a baby! However, as true friends go, he offered me a tissue. ...thanks, Bill! I felt like I was on a cloud! I needed that! I love Kellie and her boyfriend (now fiance) Aaron. And they have given me a beautiful grand daughter! (Okay, Audrey and Seth, "It's your turn!") See, dear Readers, I might be "gunshy, a bit jaded", but I realise love is still in my heart and will always be. The "disposable" guy I have been made into will be (maybe) sorely missed by someone someday. It's already too late to reconcile. My heart has no place for her and "it's here on the internet"!
And now for the Transparencies. It was Monday, late afternoon as I was leaving work and walking through the parking lot I passed a man with a garbage sack in hand. I will describe him as (and I hate saying, or using the word) a "black" man, bedraggled and quite "buzzed"! As I passed him rather than hearing, "can you spare...." instead, it was, "Don't mind me Sir, I'm just lookin' for cans and bottles." I passed and got into my van. As I sat there I watched him rummaging through the plastic bins that many do nowadays and then it hit me! That could be me! These times are uncertain and who knows what tomorrow will bring?! I circled the parking lot digging for money at the same time and found a $5 bill. I drove into the alley he was in and stopped. He was trying to navigate a smaller alley about 3 feet in width. As he bounced with the agility of a dancer this person was without a doubt, "shitfaced"! I rolled the window and motioned to him. He came up to the van and handed him the $5 bill. I said, "Here, I don't care what you do with this, I just want you to know that I care." Dear Readers, WTF!! What is happening to me?! This Man looked at me with bloodshot eyes and sobbed! It wasn't just tears, it was PAIN! I felt for this person. I felt his pain! And then through the veil of saltwater he tried to tell me his story. It was brief, but it was his life. He was a carpenter, also an alcoholic, had also been kicked out of his home. He faced that evening not knowing. Fear was his reason to be drunk. The uncertainty of what "tomorrow will bring" is always (for some) a good excuse to drink. However, I didn't care at that moment, I was more moved by the fact that this individual brought back to me a flashback of Nicaragua as I saw the face of that little girl standing on a boulevard begging. I left him by saying I knew his pain without being in his shoes. And as I drove away pissed off at my inability to help other than give him some change for more drink, I became angry! I realised for the first time how WE as a nation, supposedly the richest, have completely ignored our fellow Humans. WE have ignored their plight, their fight to eck an existence on a daily basis! My predicament is NOTHING compared to that Man's plight!!! I am guilty for ignoring him and others whom exist in OUR country!! As I sat that late afternoon sipping my beer at the Nuggett downtown, I felt a parallel to my existence and his. The difference only that I have opportunity and he has none.
How and Why, dear Readers?! This question is certainly one we will all be asking shortly. The episode that afternoon has given me another canvas to paint. My emotions are high, my heart is for humankind and we certainly need more. I will bid you all Peace and hope you all will share your thoughts to the world on this growing issue.
Not quite the way I thought this blog would end, but it's the same with my painting, also. From the "World's most Unfamous Artist", thank you.
......**I dedicate this blog to the memory of my Father who was born on this day and who gave our Family his devoted love. I still miss him and his guidance after his passing 34 years ago. "If there is a Heaven I know he's there and he's the "Bartender"!!!****
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"I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way"
-Dave Matthews, #41
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