My Heart

Growing up I never considered myself as goodlooking. I was taunted through school, beatup, continually harassed because of my size (I graduated weighing 112lbs) and forever was embarassed by my looks. I wasn't "cool", didn't "hang" with the upper crust, the jocks,...I felt like a nobody. I did have my "misfit " group of friends. They were my home. The artists, brainiacs, weirdoes, the girls who were dowdy, or very smart (not good to be seen with a jock), the "exotic" girls who were above the BS in school.

And so it was that I had accepted the fact I were to be forever "without" a girlfriend. I thought.

And then,...well, how does one describe the feeling that an Angel had come forth to rescue me from my "cell of doubt"? She was sitting on a sofa in a friends living room. It was a party. Not the kind of party one probably thinks; no booze, no drugs, no kinky stuff in the bedroom, just a party of friends that gathered to be with one another. She was sitting there. I was in awe. She was beautiful and "where the Hell did she come from?" I think she noticed me looking. I can't remember if we were introduced, or if she began the conversation, but I found myself sitting next to her. I was shy. I was embarassed to be near such beauty. "I was not worthy."

Her hair was red. Almost a golden red. It was curly from, I would have thought, hours sitting before a magic mirror getting ready for the Ball. Her skin was fair and soft. Her eyes radiated the colors of a heritage bred from two nations. She was...."drop dead gorgeous!!" And I was sitting next to her.

The evening passed too soon. We said goodbye. I wanted to see her again, yet I was too shy to ask and too nervous to try. I felt I was not worthy of such a creature. Alas, she had a suitor. A boyfriend?, mmm I don't think so. There were many fellows from our school who would have been enamoured to have her as their "girl". I went into the night, home wondering.

I found out she and her family moved from Detroit to the area. She was bred in the finest of schools. Charm school. She could sing, dance, act, read poetry, perform water ballet. She was witty, intelligent, worldly and her laugh would turn the heads of doves. She was in every bit of the word "perfect". Then it hit me. I was falling for this charming beauty. I wanted to stop it. I would only hurt myself at the hint of refusal. But, we met again. It was then I had decided to "ask her out". The Ready Theatre. A movie. I felt the weight of my fears. Denial, humiliation, they were my stones through life. I pressed. I asked. ..... ..... She ACCEPTED!!!

It was the beginning of a fairy tale for me. I was transformed from the school mascot to the school enigma. "How does Lidecker end up with a girl like that?! Trust me, not even I could figure it out. It was the beginning of a new life for me. She was my dream. However, it was just "the beginning".

We had gone on many dates. There were the trials and tribulations that come with any possible relationship, however. There was the issue of the "suitor". He was in my class (she was a junior, I a senior) and I new him. We were, prior to my interest, friends. But that, as we do, changed. He became a rival and suddenly I was thrown into a world I had never experienced before; JEALOUSY!!!! Not good! It is a common thing amongst young men, however when the testosterone is flowing!! For myself, it could be devastating. I battled with my fears. It did however ebb when the "suitor" was told he would be "just a friend". Should have ended there (my fears).

I remember growing closer to her each time I was with her. I was now beyond the "point of no return", I was "falling in love". Why not? She was as I had described the most beautiful young woman in the world!! And so, it was time to let her know my feelings. But how? I lacked the experience. The finesse. I was nervous. And then, I decided it was time. I picked an evening.

We were walking together, hand-in-hand as we often did. She lived in town, I in the country. I enjoyed Niles in those days, still a bit of business thriving downtown. I enjoyed the bustle of the small town compared to the rural life I had lived from birth. As I was saying, we were walking along one of the streets near her house. It was then I began to blurble my words. I was starting to back out. I had to fight my fears! I stammered some more. She was piqued by my attempts to talk. I saw a street sign. Third street. "I would use the street sign to tell her!" I said, "There is something I have to tell you, but cannot. It's like the street sign. It has three words." She knew. She was amused (in a good way mind you). "I want to tell you that,..that,.. I,.. I,.. it's like the sign. I want to tell you (good gawd man! give it up!!) that I love you." My god, that was the most difficult thing I had ever had to say in my entire life. Those three words alone can decide the destiny of one's life.

We kissed. My first kiss ever. Not the best, I'm sure, but for me it was the greatest feeling I had ever experienced, ever!! It was the beginning of many a walk and many kisses. It was also the beginning of the test of friendships and the encounter of the other side of John Lidecker.

Our lives were bonded through the "union of one's first love". We were inseperable. I would try my best to be with her every moment possible. She was always in my thoughts. I wrote her love songs. ......it was beautiful,...but, I was harbouring a beast.

I could write page after page of my love this person. I could write the details of our lovelife, but will not. I will write however, my epitaph. For it is when I die that I shall want the world to know "A chronological history of the Artist".

I mentioned my fears. My fears were my enemies the strongest being my Insecurity. The other Distrust. They festered in me as a virus taking control of my mind. When she would go out with her friends I questioned her. If she did not return my calls I waited (no cell phones in those days). And then I would question her. I doubted her! WTF?!!! What the Hell was I doing?!! She was a Rose. A Butterfly! The Sunrise!

It was 1975. My father suffered a second stroke which killed him and the man I began to know as just more than my father. I was devastated inside! She was there with me to console me. She had stayed the night at our house. What I descibe next, dear Readers, is the absolute truth. You have the right to decide what to believe, or how to explain it. I will descibe the morning after the Day of my Father's death.

I will digress this story for a moment only to relate something that both she and I could never deem possible and could never explain. Prior to my father's death he and I had bonded as Son and Father. A bond we celebrated after years of the "son who never listens" and the father "who never understands". As I had put forth in an earlier blog his first stroke had taken him down hard! I worked at his side every day to get him back to where he wanted to be, "back at work" (a true German). The day he died he refused to let me drive him to work. Instead he had told me he loved me and said "goodbye". My mother took him to work that day which I had done every day. This time it was goodbye forever. He died at work, his way to die an honorable death.

My girlfriend had spent the night at our home. It was a beautiful house, tri-level, a large glass fireplace, vaulted ceilings and in the basement level, my father's pride and joy, his bar. We had a woods surrounding our small estate. I loved it! We had a dog part German Shepherd, part Malmute. She was my father's favorite. She never barked. Must've been the Malmute side. Until.

It was early morning the first week of October. I was sleeping in our family room and my girlfriend in my bedroom. I was awakened by several things that happened simultaneously. Before I had even opened my eyes I noticed first a chill. I thought nothing but the beginning of the fall season. The second thing I noticed was the sound of some animal. It was eerie! I couldn't make it out, except, it sounded like...like a dog trying to howl the first time in it's life! I opened my eyes when I realised it was our dog! The final thing that I noticed was my girlfriend standing in the opening to the family room staring wide eyed at me with fear! She said, "I just saw your father! He was standing in your closet looking at me!" EVEN TODAY!!! EVEN TODAY!!, dear Readers, that episode of my life makes me tingle! It's all true. The dog trying to howl at the same time of my father's appearance, the room freezing at that moment then returning to normal shortly thereafter....Mind you, I am by far not a Religious man. After that episode however, I am a Spiritual man! I can only explain it as so; My father had loved me so much he wanted to come back and either say, everything would be okay, or he came back one more time to see me and say goodbye. I hope he wasn't too disappointed to see my girlfriend. ....she did like sleeping nekked. ......just had to put that in there for the "pervs".

Okay, time to wrap this saga up. Some time after that shit had begun to run downhill. I was trying to help my mother and keep up the grounds, go to school (I chose to stay at the nearby community college which also kept me nearer to my girlfriend) and work part time. It was also the demise of my mother. She had taken on a boyfriend. He wanted me out and he wanted our mother's real estate and money. He was very good. I was thrown out of the house. With nowhere to go my girlfriend had acquired an apartment in Niles and taken me in. WOW!! This was great!

Going to school, coming home and cooking for my girl,... Soon after it was, going to school, hanging out with my friends at the bar, going home drunk to my girl..... you get the picture. Our lives were rapidly deteriorating, thanks to me.

I believe in two things this world can offer; 1. Things happen for a reason and 2. Nothing lasts forever!!!!!! I became an Ass. I was ignoring my girlfriend, placing more emphasis on my life (which was slithering down the toilet) and spending my time and money with friends from school rather than where it should have been. Focusing on the person who had given my life meaning and a sense of worth!

My father died leaving us with some bit of an inheritance. I quickly began to drain mine. It was 1976, Bi-Centennial of the US!! I had decided to travel a month in Europe. Things were so-so in our relationship and thought a bit of distance would do us both good (wrong!). I purchased a passport, railpass and student Hostel card. I had $1000 cash and travellers cheques (good sum of money in those days). I bought a Fodors Guide to Europe. I was ready!

My girlfriend and a small entourage of our friends had taken me to O'Hare for my flight. First time I'd ever flown. And!! I had reserved my ticket through Icelandic Airlines. The horror stories I had heard after my purchase, planes crashing, snow coming through the windows,...!!!

I kissed my girlfriend and began to feel this trip really wasn't what I needed, but I didn't know what to do. I boarded the plane. As we taxi'd out to the tarmac the pilot told us we would be delayed due to a storm coming across Lk Michigan. #1. I've never flown, I'm becoming concerned. #2. There's a freakin' storm outside with lightning and I'm sitting in the middle of it in a metal bomb with wings!!! After what seemed an hour the pilot told us there was a "window of opportunity". ?!! Window?! The plane lurched forward. I was thrust back into my seat! I've never been on a rollercoaster, but I'm sure our ride up was everything as!! We travelled up into dark clouds lightning crackling about us! What the F... was I thinking! I'm too young to die!!! I miss my girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then, it was over. We were above everything. It was eerily calm. Is this right?! The Stewardesses came out with complimentary drinks, Cognac. I gulped mine down. The gentleman next to me asked, "first time?" Yep. "Here, you can have mine. Looks like you need it more than me." Thanks! I saw the world 7 miles below. It was nightfall as we flew over Quebec. The lights below became more sparce as we entered Labrador, then nothing. The Atlantic! We were crossing the Ocean! It was below us and I couldn't see it! And then the most beautiful sight I'd seen appeared in the horizon. The Northern Lights! So clear and seemed so close, it almost appeared as they fell into the North Pole. Greenland was below us when I could make out land. Rocky, high and black cliffs surrounded the island while miles and miles of glacier and snow covered the enterior. Iceland was our layover. Beautiful, rugged and clean! Our trip into Europe took us to our destination of Luxembourg. After bouncing several times on landing we skidded to a stop that would impress most Nascar drivers. The pilot unapologetically said, "Thank you for flying Icelandic Airlines."

Facing fears are what we do as a species. Facing those fears and conquering them are ours to deal with solely as an individual in most cases. I faced mine then and lost. It was tragic and profound at the time. And to this day there is no closure. I will divulge to my Readers something that has been kept a secret in my life for the past 35 years (no, I am not gay!!!). This is as I said my Epitaph. And one's epitaph should express the individual as close as possible with all truths before oneself. The truth can be told easily if told immediately. If held back it can become a burden that must be avoided at all times. How tiring!

I began to look for shelter. Met an American from Boston who told me to follow him to the Univ. in Lux. Beds and cots could be had for $5. A deal. Until! I was next in line and they were full. I travelled into town found a beautiful room with large glass doors that opened to the city two floors below me. I was tired. Tried to take a leak in the Bidet', WRONG!!! and went to sleep awaking to the sounds of the city outside and the gnawing pangs of homesickness and missing my girl. I walked through town and decided upon where I wanted to go. I had a month! Greece? Italy? Spain? They were where I decided. I walked to the train station and looked for a train to the South. As I was wandering a group of American Students had caught my attention. I asked them for some assistance and before long I was heading North to Amsterdam with my new found friends. WRONG!! In Brussels we had to change trains. While waiting I decided to look around the city. It was beautiful. Very old. Very rich in Architecture. I walked back to the station only to discover the train had come and gone as well as the Yanks. No big deal. I'll take another. I boarded a train which must have been a less direct route. We were stopping at almost every village on our journey. And then, it started. We had stopped in a small village and picked up some passengers. An old woman accompanied by a young woman sat across from me. They were speaking and looking at me the same time. I was a bit uncomfortable and embarassed, because the young woman was smiling at me as she was talking. She was beautiful. No makeup, dark brown hair, fair skin and lips shaped like a cupid's bow. Cupid's Bow??!! No, that's how my sweetheart described mine!! This is wrong! I began to miss her more.

Our train made a stop at the border. It was here that my fears began to take precedent. I was sitting in my seat while the two women had left. Two French Canadians had replaced them. I had a brief conversation with the fellows before one of them had said something in French and pointed outside for his friend to see. A soldier was trying to say goodbye to his girlfriend (wife) and she was reluctant. The two French Cana's were beginning to....sniffle?!! No Way!! The train had begun to leave. The soldier was trying to board. The young woman was chasing the train. The French Cana's were.... NO!!... CRYING!!!! NO WAY!!! STOP!!!! STOP CRYING!!! OH GOD, NOT ME!!! I MISS MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We arrived in Amsterdam. As soon as I left the station I was assaulted by a very young black boy soliciting whores on the infamous barges on Amsterdam's canals. No wonder the Yanks were headed this way. I looked for a place to stay and was told of a Youth Hostel called Fat City. Problem was it was in the Red Light district. Now some of you may say, "cool", but I was a Gringo. I was young and naive. I was over 3000 miles from home and missing my girl. I found Fat City. Bunked for $5 and had a room with three German Students travelling the city, I'm sure, for it's culture. I walked around that night wondering why I had come. Wondering who I was. Wondering what my girlfriend was doing. Was she missing me? Or did it matter all to her that I was gone?! I walked pass the windows harbouring the prostitutes. I wanted to go home.

The next morning I decided to cut my stay to two weeks. It was all I could bear (idiot, yes, you're absolutely right). I found a travel agency and discovered much to my horror my ticket was good only for the times it said. One Month! I was in shock. I was no longer satisfied with not being in control of the situation. I said, "When's the next flight back?" I was no longer in control, my fears had taken over.

Three days and two nights, my dear Readers. You are the first of the miniscule few who did know of my shame. And I came back to no happy home greeting, I was humiliated and didn't want to be seen. After some time I contrived a bulls... reason for my quick return. As for my girlfriend, she had left the following week for a trip to Palm Springs with her grandmother. After her return the hole I had dug began to deepen. I was back in school taking an evening pottery course. I had become friends with an attractive blonde woman. She wasn't as beautiful as my girlfriend, but I no longer deserved her. Eventually, in my self pity I began sleeping with "the other woman". It was unbearable. The shame, guilt, remorse. I drove the nails in my heart deeper. The end came shortly thereafter. My girlfriend had caught me. I wanted to be forgiven, but she had given me one more nail. She admitted to seeing someone else also. I was in shock. This was about me!! How can she do this to me?! Then she gave me a choice. I quit seeing this other woman and she'll quit seeing the other guy. "Okay", I said. She had told me to call her and tell her,..while she was standing there. Oh God! I called. The other woman said, "Okay, goodbye." I felt cold and dead. I felt I had hurt someone, besides my girlfriend. I handed her the phone. She told me to leave and return later. She needed to talk privately. I wanted to protest, but there was no reason. It was as it was supposed to be, an earned and brutal lesson.

I think back time to time of those earlier years of my life. Wonderful, bittersweet, young and impassioned! Free spirited! I think of her once in a great while. She is doing well and like myself, a grandparent. I think of my situation in life that I must face right now. My how some things never change. I will though. And I Am. From now on it's Me. My heart has grown old from love. It's the last thing on my mind right now. Time to share my love with my children and grandkids.

And for the moment what is on my mind?! Well, I'd really like to go to Europe!!

Good Night, My Dear Readers. I had to be honest. For my sake.