can't sleep

It's 1:30 am and I can't sleep. I've always been somewhat of an insomniac. However, tonight I watched a couple movies on the DVD player that kept me up.
The first was about a mute played by the dude in Fargo with the big ears. He was a superintendent for an apartment complex in NY. I'll cut to the chase...He was trying to obtain custody of a young girl whose mother OD'd and had the most horrible luck trying to do so. He was taken aback by several pitfalls and was ready to give. However, it being Christmas and all that, he went into a church and cried. It was a profound scene which I'll come back to. The story ends with a happy note. He gets custody of the girl through the help of his father and stepmom. Going back to the church...Mind you, I am by no means a religious man, but I do believe in a soul. Be it that soul may become "one with the universe" when we die,..well, I'm not up for theological argument right now. What captivated me was the torment this person suffered throughout his life and the mere fact that he was ready to give up, because the odds were stacked against him, and he wept.
Forgive me for this dear readers, but I did too. I felt his anguish, frustration, etc.
There have been times when I felt life was totally out of control, MY control. But, I have the love of friends and family. This thing happening in my life right now is a CRISIS, As I mentioned earlier though, the Chinese see it as Trouble with Oppportunity. I am now in a mad rush to pursue my goals, my art, which is the passion that has driven me to do some great things with my art and then some pretty crazy things with my life. And usually I ended up getting kicked in the balls for it later. But, that's life.
The second movie I watched involved this young man with an incurable disease whom had weeks to live and sets out on a road trip to try to find a girl he knew in the 6th grade. He had fallen in love with her then, but they became seperated thereafter. So, he's on a quest until finally he finds her working in a carnival in Florida and dies on her sofa..... I dunno, but it was a good movie just the same, "The Zeroes" was the name.
So, now I can't sleep. So, I write.
Did go for a run with the new nipple piercing this afternoon. Didn't hurt, but reminded me it was there.
Life is "a trial" isn't it? For some it comes easy for others it is hard and painful. I remember when I was in Nicaragua last year and as we were driving through Managua I saw a little girl begging for money in a boulevard. She couldn't have been more than four years old. I wanted help her, but couldn't. People are poor down there. We are fortunate. I am fortunate. I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends.
And I've had a wild and crazy journey the past few months. If it weren't for my friends I think I'd be, well,..more sober?!!! Thanks for taking my TIKI bar Pirate! WE've had more fun in his living room than I did with the bar in my backyard. But, what happens at the TIKI bar, stays at the Tiki bar!!
WE're crazy! But, we love living!
Well, guess I'll turn on CNN and see what masterplan has been devised to rid this country of debt.

I must be Krazy

Well, I did it. Got my nipple (just one) pierced. Yes. It hurt like heck, but just for a second as the barbell went in.
I've decided that people make opinions through fear, or fear of the unknown. Most would say, "I'd never do that."
As I said ealier I am a risktaker. I decided to do it, because of the "fear". Was it a foolish act? Who's to judge.
My life is changing.
It started July 5th. Everyday is an adventure, good, or bad.
A co-worker and friend of mine related something very profound and very true to me yesterday. He told me the Chinese symbol for crisis is interpreted as "trouble and opportunity". I like that!
It has another point of view in which Americans look at crisis as,..."well, CRISIS."
Today is a new day.
Time to work.
Time to play.

Later my friends.
Oh, yes. The nipple doesn't really hurt today. Just a wee bit sensitive.
What next?
...I want a motorcycle!!!!

Time's a ticking

Well, got the news back for my heart. Seems I have a "moderate" murmur with a leaky valve. It just couldn't have been a "mild" murmur!!!&%^#$%@^
Whatever.
The Doc spelled out that I have a couple years until things could get bad. However, as a safeguard he's setting me up with a "Heart Specialist" who will monitor my (well, i want to call it progress, but I will call it: digression).

The good news; I can still continue my running and exercise. I want to die a goodlooking corpse, at least.

Seems bad things come in threes, eh?!
Left my job over a year ago and still have yet to get my freelance business off the ground.
Lessee, the wife decided I "was not worthy"....
and now, Heart issues.
What the fu..?!!
As my oldest daughter, Audrey said it, "Dad, Lisa broke your heart."
Maybe. Honestly, it's the hibloodpressure and years of Jimmy Buffettesque livin'.
Interesting when one realizes their "mortality"...Adrenaline kicks in. Crazy stuff starts rattling the brain. I've been actually having more fun the past several months (despite the "pity crap") and am looking forward to more things to polish this soul of mine.
Today,...I'm debating a nipple piercing! Yes, I know. It's foolish. But Foolish has been my companion for most of my life. And, I'm a risktaker and a dare man. I would like to think that it is what makes me an Artist, if I may call myself that. I've lived like an Artist. Loved like an Artist. Made an ass of myself at times, like an Artist. Therefore...I must be an Artist.
Which brings me to this....
as I said earlier, Mortality, when we are confronted with it, makes us get off our asses and start jammin'.
My Art is now taking precedence in my life. Just gotta tweak the things that still are a nuisance, like finding new living quarters,, new studio,... I could go on, but it doesn't take the place of "actions".
This is it for today. Sorry, no "oh woe is me", today.
By the way' to whomever is reading this blog I leave this bit of advice my father gave me as a child; "shit, or git off the can".
The most profound advice he gave me several days before he died was, "Do what You want to do with your life and let no one stand in your way".
Some times I wish he were with me to comfort me with his wisdom. I was fortunate enough to tell him "I loved him", before he died. And he in turn said the same. It was the first and last time we had said that.
I did not regret his death, just mourn the passing of an honest man whom was looking for what I have lived.
So, I say to my friends "I love you".
To my children, "I love love you".
To my daughters; Audrey, Kellie, "Marry those Boys"! They're good men!
To Angel, "see the world!"
To Seth and James, my sons, continue doing what it is that drives your lives. Live with the ups, the downs, but, "just live!" Life is short!

Well, gotta consider that piercing.

Gotta Go!

The Clowns

yesterday i mentioned the clown painting i did and my grandaughter remarked, "it's kinda scary Grandpa John, but I like it."
Well, here are a few photos of it. It just happened. That's the way some of my art is. Just a thought, an idea, then it flows.
Sorry if I offend any clowns out there, but I always wondered "what do they do when they don't make us laugh?"

Saturday Blues

It's Saturday...i'm broke...still waiting to hear my test results from the echgocardiogram......went running this morning despite it all.
At this point in my life I have to say, "sh..!!"
I'm tired. Tired of waiting for a place to call my new home. Tired of looking for a job that pays abit more so I can pursue my life's ambition; my Art.
I long for the smell of paint and a canvas. I long for a chisel and a piece of wood to create a piece that I can marvel at someday.
This morning my 5 year old grandaughter Rylee looked at one of my pieces in my "limbo" studio and remarked she liked it. I was amazed and flattered. The piece is a parody of Clowns. Some may find it morbid, but I find it amusing. It's entitled "Clowns on Holiday". Amazing things one can do with dolls and a rubber shark. I like it, however, but most do not. It materialzed when I had a thought about clowns and their roles to make poeple laugh, or happy. I then thought what do clowns do when they're not working. That's when I went off on a tangent as clowns (some) having a dark side. No matter. It's My Art!
I'll post it sometime.
Shame on me for being an artist with an attitude.
Shame on me for this self pity trip right now.
Time to go find a friend and a beer.
Adios!

The waiting game

My physician discovered a heart murmur last week. Went for an Echocardiogram Tues this week. Still waiting.
Waiting sucks!
And I am the worst when it comes to anxiety.