Disposables

Prepare yourselves, Dear Readers, for I embark upon a most serious journey this evening! I will bring to light the tragedies, the highlights, the pains, the joys of the "World's most Unfamous Artist". It will be the exposed, vulnerable and raw side of this Artist, this dislocated "Tropical Gypsy".
The "Roller Coaster of Life" will forever have a track that twists and turns; parables equating themselves to love and pain, sight and sound. "I am ready to paint." My canvas momentarily will be the pages of the computer, my brushes, the keyboard.
I realise the purpose of "my Journey", self-inflicted, or otherwise. "Interpretation" is the key for the medium and execution of my experiences over the past nine months of this "whirlwind" relationship with Humankind. My emotions have heightened themselves to a point I never realised. I welcome it. This Artist, unfamous for the moment, has seen his destiny wrought by Fate, it cannot be left "to pass" without my input.
My apprenticeship into the Art world was brought to my attention many years ago by two fellow Artisans whom I admired most. They gave me the "ability to see" and in turn I gave them a student "hungry to express himself" through art! My first inluence was a professor of Art at Indiana Univ. in South Bend, IN. As I sat in my chair working on a design project I had many hours into he walked by, reached down, crumpled my paper and said, "Start over." He could see my anger. And as he walked away he turned, looked into my eyes and said, "Someday, You will better than the average Artist. Now, do it over."
The second influence in my career came from a well-known Illustrator and Water-Colourist in the Mid-West, especially Chicago. How she ended up at a community college was beyond me. Maybe to get away, but for me it was an opportunity no one else on campus shared. She realised my potential, but knew my faults, she had work ahead for me, a lot of work. I was given a project to work on for several weeks. Each day I practised with a brush on small pieces of illustration board (6"x9"). Then she told me to go purchase a LARGE board. After weeks of painting minute "splashes" of colourful vegetables (she thought my carrots were sexy...back off, Pervs!!) and shapes of people I could only stare at this empty landscape of white. I sat, day after day. She was patient, I was becoming restless. And then it happened, my hand moved across the white landscape floating colours and shapes. I didn't have a clue to what I was doing, but it flowed; pure emotion. The several weeks of repetitious paintings and days of sitting mindless "came to fruition" in one hour. My "Mentor" came up to me and handed me her most favourite watercolour brush and said, "You're on your own, there's nothing I can teach you. You are now your own Teacher." "Wow!"
So, now it is time for this person to "Stop" the procrastination! and "Stop" the "mindf...s" brought down upon me by someone's inability to communicate to me.
"Nuf' said!"
Tonight!!!

Seriously, Folks...

***If there are any comments in this new Blog that are repeated from others forgive me. I am at that "age" that repetition and golf carts become Life.

A recent comment to my previous blog has once again brought to my attention of the impact of how "paraphrasing" one's own life can have significant diverse meaning for the Reader. Let me "set the Record straight". This blog(site) is simply "a collection of my thoughts". It is a part of my Art. It's "birth" came from the frustration of "life in general", of a relationship (once again) torn asunder by consequences stemming from TWO people never REALLY allowing the ability to talk to one-another. AND!! from one person's "change" of personality. I'm not finger-pointing, but "I'm" pretty much "cut-n-dry". I admit I am not the easiest person to live with. Ask my children. They'll say, "Oh, yeah!" But, they know they are loved. And to me there can be no greater explanation of Life than that; the love from Family. REAL Family. Wherever I will be after my Divorce, my Family AND Friends will always be there. THAT in itself makes this world (especially in these uncertain times) worthwhile. How can one give up memories?! Good, bad, life as my father always expressed quite simply as, "...shit, or get off the pot."
There are no feelings in me of suicide. There are no feelings in me to go out and do a "stoopid stunt" involving large amounts of explosives and a lighter. "Which brings me to mind"! I know you all have witnessed "stoopid acts", right?! Or you have,..maybe even involved yourself in a couple. Imagine yourself "pulling up" to the gas pump to refuel. You get out of your car, reach for the hose and then,..you see it. At first you say, "naw..." and then you begin to "take in everything that tells you to instinctively return the hose to the pump, return to your car and drive away,..FAST!!" Because! Because you have witnessed a "stoopid act"!! Yes,..happened to me. Saw it, couldn't believe it, "oh hell, what am I thinking, this IS Michiana." I was ready to fill the tank of the mini van and I noticed on the other side of the pump was a "derelict" pickup truck complete with the dog from "Saliva World" sitting behind the steering wheel (I now know why). It was the bed of the truck that REALLY caught my attention, for in the bed was a man, neither young , nor old, sitting atop gas cans (this was when gas prices dropped from a "gajillion" dollars a gallon to slightly over $2, I'm sure he couldn't forecast the additional drops to come), still pouring gas into another and SMOKING A CIGARETTE!!! I kid you not!! Yes, dear Readers, stoopidity extends throughout the Nation beside the Banking Institutions, Auto Industry and our Government (I'm sure I'll burn for that comment).
So you see, there you have it. I love my life despite the "interruptions". So much to be thankful for, I'm certainly thankful I have never smoked cigarettes! Certainly thankful my parents gave us the opportunity to learn "how to survive". Thankful for my family and friends. And especially thankful I can run. I've never really had any other "pressing" goal, besides my Art and well, a good game of golf, but this "running thing"... can't really say, but it's my passion. Maybe it's the freedom I feel, the opportunity to run another mile farther. I do know it's certainly a stimulant for "mellowing" one's mind. I do know how it came about. In Jr. High I tried to compete in sports. Growing up Asthmatic "sucks"! Literally! Growing up with Asthma (I had it BAD people!! REAL BAD!!) was a pain. I couldn't do much as far as extensive play, exercise, etc., because it could trigger an attack. "Way back when", if I had an attack I had to take a pill and then wait for the effect of the pill which could take up to 30 minutes. If any of you out there have ever been diagnosed with "acute Asthma" YOU will understand. Back then there were no "magical" inhalers. To fully understand this take a plastic bag and put it over your head to completely cover it. Now tighten it around your throat just enough to allow a tiny bit of air, then breathe. That's Asthma. Asthma made my life difficult, but it didn't stop me from trying! "Screw the 'Bouts!!" ...Back to Jr. High.
I tried out for Track. Dear Readers, "what the Hell was I thinking?!" 8th grade and I can't remember cresting 4'10" and 65lbs!! Asthma really "played a number on me". Anyway, I think I made two tryouts then quit, "couldn't doit", but, that didn't stop me. Slowly, determinded, day by day, I ran. the Asthma eventually decided that I was not stopping and left. Years of suffering from lack of O2 just simply "went away". And that is when my Running said, "Let's see what these feet can do!!" Today at 55 (and getting younger :) !!!) Wintertime, indoor track (hate it) 5-7 miles. Warmer weather, outside, 8-10 miles. Summertime, HEAT (love the heat!), 10-12 miles...daily. Not bad, eh? Not training for any Marathons, any Races, just doin' it for ME.
I'm going to bring this Blog to a close by saying; my life REALLY IS a WONDERFUL life. I am blessed with Family and Friends. This Blog has become my "book" about my life, my thoughts, passions and the cold "slapintheface" at times. I have no desire to "pass on" early. I have no desire to sit atop gas canisters in the back of a truck smoking a cigarette! This Blog is not a CD, DVD, Tivo, VCR, Beta, however I have had the occassional "KODAK Moment". This "Internet thingie" kinda caught my interest to help publish my thoughts and how I think it has "come to this point". Therapy. My laptop is my pen and "good 'ol ATT" is providing the pages. At times I might come across as bitter, hopeless and confused, however, it is "all but that"! This is kinda my epitaph BEFORE I do "hitch that ride on the Celestial Train to parts unknown", but I only have to look outside my livingroom window to the house next door. "Eh?!" Yes, next door LIFE is a VERY precious commodity right now to my friend, Jane. Jane has Cancer, in a very bad way (if Cancer was just other than...). She smiles at me when I see her. Lovely lady and very optimistic, but realizes she's "got alot on her plate". Chemo, Radiation, Surgery...no, my life is NOT as bad as it sounds. Jane is just One of many in this world, I know that to be a fact. I cannot sit back in self-pity and not think of others. While in Nicaragua I learned for the first time the stark reality of how "brutal" life can be if you're borne into REAL poverty. It "rattled my flip flops" while driving through Managua and I noticed a very little girl 5, maybe 6 years old, begging while standing on a boulevard in heavy traffic. It was more crushing to see her anguish while she returned to the piece of cardboard she used for a cushion on that boulevard. She simply,..gave up. No, mind you, she didn't give up begging, that was her means for survival. But, as we passed by while sitting in the air-conditioned SUV, I saw her eyes. THAT HURT!!! HURT LIKE HELL!!! But, she's only One of the Millions and growing!!
Yes, Dear Readers, WE are BLESSED. If you're reading this while sipping your coffee, drinking your beer, wine, cold cola, YOU'RE BLESSED!! Even my friend "L" who was living in his car for some time, Dude, you experienced hell, but You have opportunity!! You are YOU!! Makes a helluva difference when you're 5 and growing up in Poverty than to be 55 and trying to make a new start! I believe in you. I believe in ME.
After this Divorce, I'll be glad not to notice a Macy's flyer, Vickie's Secret catalog on my table. I'll relish the absence of the "fu.... up" socalled Reality Shows. "OH! OH! HERE'S A GOOD ONE!!!" I'm sitting in the Nuggett (watering hole in downtown) tending a microbrew when this fellow comes into the bar...eh?! ready for this?!! He's dressed as....Brett Michaels from "Rock of Love"!! TO THE TEE!! Hair, Cowboy hat, fashionably tattered jeans,..EXCEPT!! This is where he failed,.."no Octane infused, Gravity-defying, Pornstar Tittied Bimboes!! Dude?!! WTF?!! Loser!! I nearly lost it! Yes, my "soontobe X" would've pissed her stretch denim jeans! (serial, people, no bitterness....)
Okay, Dear Readers, the Java is kick'n my kidneys! Gotta go...
From the flailing fingers of the World's most Unfamous Artist,...
Thank you! "I LOVE THIS BAR!!!"

360 degrees and still turnin'

Sorry I've been absent in my blogs, Dear Readers. I shall quote from a dear and true longtime friend of mine, [from the blog Waking Up Horny] "Note to self: I think I'm lost. I've gone to go look for myself. If I get back before I return, please ask me to wait." Thank you, Laurence! If any of you out there want to read some interesting work by a truly gifted writer please visit, http://www.wakinguphorny.blogspot.com/ . This guy is ingenious. Actually, he was in one of my original blogs as to Inflences in my life.

And that brings me to my next blog. I am dedicating this blog to "my Children". There's been an addition along the way, Kellie, the daughter of my present wife and soon to be "X". Kellie regards me as her father and has borne one of my grandchildren. So I shall list "my Children" chronologically by age. (sorry, Kel Bel. I chose to make you last, but not least important).

Seth, my oldest, is my son from my first wife, Rebecca. God! You know, if I could go back...however, I'm here. I just wish that I could've in my "road to try to find myself" spent more time on the asphalt with him! As Seth would say, "Pops, forget it. I love you." What a wonderful talented lad he is. When Seth was a child, I think he was seven years, he contracted Cancer. A tumor formed behind one of his eyes. The doctor who was treating him prior said it was just swelling, probably due to an infection. The day the eyelid started to protrude his mother and I knew it was definetly NOT an infection. We drove Seth to Riley in Indy. The doctors immediately sent him into surgery for a biopsy. the result made my heart sink. How could this small, beautiful child have this?! As his mother and I looked around the hospital we saw others. Babies dying, children dying. What and how do we explain this to our son? During our trip back home we tried to explain to Seth the disease. I think at the time he knew something was fu.... up. I tried to explain it as a "bad cold". "DOH!!!" The child had CANCER!!

Seth, went through radiation, chemo, the child was doused and bombarded, but behaved as best as he could. He survived the torment. He had one eye that was just not the same as his other, but he had them both.

His mother and I divorced in 1990. Seth and my other two were taken away. Probably a good thing now that I look back. Children really need a nurturing mother and Rebecca was attentive. Seth and I (he being the eldest child) drifted apart. I accept blame for that. But he was rebellious to say the least. And sadly, it came to pass that he felt he was "old enough" to defy me as most boys do their fathers. It lasted for years, I ignoring him and he likewise. It really was tough trying not to acknowledge your own son and quite "childish" on my part. Finally, one day at a family birthday party Seth and I crossed paths. "JEEZUS!" My teenager had become a man! A big man!! He came up to me, hugged me, apologised, then we both wept as grown men should. Since then, he has been a beacon for me through my present troubled situation. He has surprised me with his knowledge and his wisdom. He has also borne to me two beautiful grandchildren. I must take time with my grandkids, 'cause "I'm livin' on overtime!" So, I say to my son, "Ich liebe dich, meinen sohn!"

Next in the "briarpatch" came Audrey, "Audio" is her nickname which is appropriate, 'cause she wailed and screamed as a baby!! Audio was the "leader of the pack". She was ambitious as a child as she is today. She was a very intelligent child as she is today. Audrey excelled at anything she attempted, softball, school, baton, etc. She was my little "tomboy", yet loved her Barbie Dolls. Once again, it saddened me the day they left when her mother and I divorced. And like her older brother, she too decided not to "see daddy" for awhile. However, she showed up at my doorstep with her younger brother one day (whilst married to this second woman) and apologised. I did too. Since then she has borne me two beautiful grandchildren. She's attending IU and working fulltime. she got her license in cosmetology and hair, but that "wasn't gonna get it". Audrey is a beautiful young woman with an opportunity in life I admire and wish I had more of. Through this time of hardship, she too has been there for me. And so to my daughter, thank you and I am proud of you. I love you, Audio.

Last on the totempole came James. "Jamers, Choad," good lord the teasing we ALL gave the lad. James was born on Christmas morning, the first baby in the hospital born!! I remember the nurses bringing him out wrapped in a Christmas Stocking. How apropo! James was my "palette" in life. There was something in the child that reminded me so much of myself. Growing up his actions and behavior was very similar to mine (I'm always on his toes to this day to do as I say and not as I have done!!!). James was a "clean" kid. Naive in a sense as I was growing up. And when his sister decided to not see me he was kind of "thrown into the same boat without a paddle". He, too, like his sister was on my doorstep apologising. To this day he reminds me more and more of me. He is ambitious with his Art, very Idealistic, very "GQ"! Snappy dresser! Talented! Excited about the world!! He's a damned good kid! Always has been. And to you my fledging "Andy Worhol", thank you, son. I never have said it enough to you, but I really do love you and am very proud of you and your present accomplishments.

Finally, Kellie (Kel Bel). It's wild! She was my stepdaughter, but behaved EXACTLY like my chldren!! We argued! We battled!! But through it all, I somehow became her "father". You know, nothing makes a man so proud when something so beautiful happens like that! She too has borne me a beautiful grandbaby. And to you my dear I say this, "Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be your father, it is truly an honour!" And DAMNIT!! When do I get to walk you down the aisle?!!!

So, Dear Readers, I shall wrap this up with this; I have lived a long life. Good, not so good. Wealth, not so much wealth. I have been a "neglectful" father, but I was too young in my mind. I am however, because of my children, the opposite today. Okay, Okay, some of you are saying "He still parties!" True, I am a Bohemian as was MY father. My lust for life is more "Jimmy Buffett" than most. However, my children have made me come to know my "otherside" and that is this, "I could never, ever paint a more beautiful canvas than my Children being in my life. I have to say there could never be more wealth than they!! They love me "unconditionally" for who I am and they know their father has the potential to become the Artist he desires. I cannot count the blessings they have given to me! I love them dearly.

Thank you my Children!! Thank you!!

I bid you, Good Night, dear Readers from the

World's most Unfamous Artist!

An Ode to Cupid

I'm sitting here this Valentine's Day morning in my studio. It's quiet. The woman upstairs is sleeping. The person I celebrated 11 Valentine Days with what seems a long time ago and now seems "never to have happened at all". "T'was but a dream? A fantasy?" No bother. My heart is now encased in acrylic. It will go to no one. "Will it ever?", I think. For now NO. Absolutely NO. Cupid is but an Imp to me playing my "HeartStrings" out of tune! I don't trust anyone to come into my realm of love which I find is vulnerable without a doubt. I give no more. ...for now.

However, I am not totally devoid of the passions I find in my life. My friends, my Art, my love for Humanity as a whole. There are new worlds (this planet, of course) to explore, new friends to make.

I have to say this. Through my years of relationships I have found that, "yes, I can love another, again". I am capable. But, it grows very tiring at times when one gives so much and in the end what I thought was "it", "it" fades as did the others. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this "romance stuff". It sure as hell has taken it's toll this time. Especially when I told myself, "never ever again." This is My Path. This is My Lot in life. I've given much thought over the past months as to "what's wrong with me?" Still haven't "the foggiest!" Maybe I REALLY am an Artist! Maybe I am one of the "cliched/sterotyped" artists that cannot ever hold a relationship. So be it, IF it is true. This last relationship, I really have questioned. "Who's gettin' burned, here?!"

Anyway, allow me to say this, Dear Readers, "Happy Valentine's Day!" If you are in love treasure the moment. If someone loves you adore it. If they wish to tell you they "Love You" return it and return it Everyday. Treat one another like tomorrow will not be there. Cuddle. Share a cup of coffee. Say nothing. Hold hands. Look at the sun and breathe in it's warmth. Watch the night sky in winter together and admire the colors which are so intense. Create a passionate nickname for one another. Try a new restaurant only you and your lover will be known in and everyone else a stranger, because the radiance of love ALWAYS attracts people, therefore new friends will come into your life to enjoy what you have. Grow old together with a young heart. And when Death seperates you, the world will weep as well.

I have loved, Dear Readers.

Happy Valentine's Day to you all!

Stop, breathe, think

So I am looking back and notice the past several posts have nothing to do with the intended journey I planned. "MY GOD!" I need to shake it off! My apologies to those of you folowing this blog. It's the "petty bs " that becomes boring and in turn creates "boring people".

There are other influences in my life. Many. I'll write in the early morning tomorrow.

Mindless crap generating from the BOOB TOOB

I don't know what it is, but there are to women watching a TV show on my futon. My bed. What they are watching is more of the issue..American Dance Off!! OOOOHH!! I am so impressed by gyrating, hip hop dancers mimicing what has been done before. Then there is the "canned" screaming throngs of untold and unseen millions in the background! Mindnumbing crap! Can anybody relate?!

And what is worse I think the two bimbos watching that crap are really into it! No! I take that back, they live it as well as the other bullshit TV shows on nowadays.

Whatever happened to shows with substance? Movies, classics, etc. Instead they are being replaced with Entertainment that ISN'T Entertainment at all. Just BS! Seems like EVERYONE can be a star!

However, I have been slammed with the likes of MTV reality shows, Dance shows and Brett (does this bandana make my ass look big?) Michaels Rock of Luv.....GAK!!! I wanna Puke!!! And the women in this household soak it up!! It's amazing!! You know, a monkey would probably turn the History channel on! I don't know. I do know this, I was condemned for watching my shows and OMG!! if I ever commented on how mindless their shows were!!

Seems I've written about this before, eh?!!

Enough!

I have had enough! Enough snow! Enough cold! Enough!! And this is maniacal since I CAN move! I can! I'm lookin'! Lookin' South! Far South! Very far!! Listened to some Jimmy Buffett this afternoon whilst doing my deliveries. Wrong! You know, for as much as the Man makes me feel good about livin' life as a Tropical Gypsy there is that very small factor of his songs which hit me hard! They're his "Heart Songs" I shall call them. Two in particular that move me to the edge of sadness are what I listened to this afternoon. Why?! Why not.
One that effected me most was one that I feel right now after years of giving. And that is what i do best! Give. I give and ask nothing in return. So it is with much sadness that I have given many years to someone and asked nothing in return. Maybe I should have. Now I do!
Jimmy's song hits home. I had no goals of my own, just to give what I could, all I could to see someone else reach their own. In return I guess I expected the only thing, to be loved forever, unconditionally. ..? "What the fu.. was I thinking?!!?" So the end result; "I'm Jaded." Yep! 100%!! Don't want to EVEN think about fallin' in love with ANYBODY, EVER!!! TOO MUCH WORK AND TIME TRYING TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE 24/7.
Hey! I said this Blog was about me. My time out to Vent. To feel a bit down now and then, I'm entitled. Confusion is a state of mind, at times.
Winter. "Bah Humbug!" Winter will drag most down like a stormy sea. The faint of mind will go ALL the way. Me, well, thank God for bills!! Visa, MC, insurances, ...pretty screwed up, eh? My saving grace; Bills and Anthony Bourdain's, "No Reservations". That Dude has my "dream Job"!
I'm digressing. I haven't written in my Blog for quite some time. For a while it was pretty often. Need to focus. Need to focus for my upcomiong show.
I'm ranting. Boring. I'll write later. Just wanted to see myself think.
The other Buffett song? Well, I want it played at my "wake"/ Tiki Party. It goes (maybe I've written this before, if so, forgive me)

"Some people never find it. Some only pretend, but me. I just want to live happily-ever-after every now and then."
C'est Bonne!