The Return...Where from here?

I am posting this Blog, because of a most recent verbal transaction on Facebook. To my Friend I responded to my absence in social gatherings, so to speak. So, I wrote a bit...well, a letter, hell, almost my Life's history, to her this morning. I thought afterwards I haven't written much in my Blog as of late and, well, time to catchup! For the moment I will "copy and paste" what I wrote to my friend. I will get back here, soon!.....
(her last comment in a response as to my most recent decision for not drinking...an OWI and 6 hours in the "slammer" opened my eyes)...
"My friend...you amaze me...your talents...your innerself. You're an increadible person. You need not drink to intrigue me or interest me. I enjoy knowing you!"
...and my story for the decision I made as follows:
It was difficult trying to fulfill my dreams as an Artist in a working-class family. Thus, I was to pay for my own education, "room and board were available" at home while I laboured in factories to save . My first experience in a University was, without a doubt, hard. But, I excelled all my Art classes. One of my professors (the toughest as well) taught in the style of the "Old Masters". Those classes were most intense, but were ground rules to graduate into other forms and media of Art. I learned many styles, but appreciated Life Painting and Drawing, because it entailed more than "rendering and execution", it proved whether an Artist could "see". Hands are but the "tools", the "eyes" are the image and soul to Art.
That Professor, it seemed, worked hardest on me! One afternoon as he tore up a drawing I had spent HOURS on, I became so enraged I was ready to walk away, forever. He looked at me making sure the entire classroom could hear (his exact words I still remember and the look upon his face), "Someday, You will be better than the "average" Artist" and walked away.
I never addressed myself as an Artist until years later. I needed to learn more! Finally, after apprenticing under many others for several years I had my "last" experience which granted me the title, Artist. She was a renowned Watercolourist and Artist in Paris, New York and Chicago. How she came to Dowagiac and taught classes at SMC was beyond me! But she "took me under her wing" and placed all Emphasis on my growth. Months of diligent work. It was the most taxing, frustrating and confusing period of my career. She came to me one day and said, "I want you to bring in three large pieces of illustration board." Next day I showed up for class (I was never allowed to work alongside my classmates, I was her Pupil, her Apprentice). She instructed me to take 2 of the boards and cut smaller pieces from them and to leave one board intact. For 1 week I painted almost a 100 small paintings until she said, "Now, take the large board and paint something." I asked, "What?" She said, "It's inside you, find it." I stared for 3 days at that board until my hand picked up the brush and touched the board. Within one hour I stepped back, looked and "tried so hard to understand what had just happened".
She came up to me, looked at my painting, looked at me (expressionless), handed me her "prized watercolour brush" and said, "My work is done. There is nothing more I can teach you" and walked away. I stood dumbfounded while my classmates applauded. Almost 5 years later would I "allow myself the title of Artist".
The "heartbreak" in my life were the many opportunities handed to me, yet unable to afford them. My Parents, regardless, still refused to support me (my Mother tried, seeing my future as viable, but my Father didn't want to for fear of his friends asking if I were "gay" of all things!!). All Scholarships went to minorities (Affirmative Action).
I was accepted into; Kendall School of Design, the Chicago Art Institute, the University of Chicago, the New School of Art, Parsons School of Art, Bloomington Art School, Freiburg University in Germany...and many others. So, disappointed and pissed off, I rebelled. I did my Art, but when it was completed I DESTROYED it, or if I felt generous, I gave it to someone. The majority of it was in my "Perofrmance Art" shows. When done, I would destroy it before everyone's eyes! Wrong thing to do! People were outraged! The few art leagues and associations I belonged to ostracised me, banned me from shows. Of course, my paintings and drawings of Nudes didn't "fly well" with the "prim and proper" ideals of the "Tard's"!
I found drugs, alcohol had been there for awhile, but never a close friend. Years of drifting between Art and girfriends I mistakenly got a girlfriend pregnant. We had kids, got married and that was the end of an Era.
Alcohol replaced Art..."hmm,..AA. Alcohol n Art! :)
And here I am, playing "catchup". Who I am today, right now, is the remant of what "Once was". I am that Artist struggling to regain the Title I had worked so hard for!
Art is just not a piece of paper, a canvas, a sculpting. It is a Soul, personified. Each time I create a piece, "my Soul" is embedded into a once dormant idea, or object. Maybe You can understand my "reluctance" to "SELL" it. I'd rather "GIVE IT AWAY".
And now I sit alone as I did decades ago ready to begin what I started then. My friends have abandoned me, not I abandoning them.
Besides, as I have always said, "We come into this world alone and leave it the same way."

Wow.

Need to get back to "blogging". I miss it.
Did read past posts last night and was amazed with some of the stuff I wrote in the past. Wow! Some of it good, some bad. Interesting to review the past, almost 2 years of my life and what i was going through then and where I'm at now.
Most interesting is "how and who" I am now. I know I'm a helluvalot happier now and have had some good and interesting moments, opportunities and decisions since.
...wow....

REVELATIONS

I've been a "hard working sonamuhbitch" ALL my life. And throughout it, I have been naiive enough to be thwarted, side-tracked and even given away my earnings and LIFE savings for "Love". I am a very caring individual when it comes to persons and their plight(s). As a matter of fact I can say I "pissed away" real estate, retirement and "health care" through a simple "roll of the dice" for Love.

I have been "used, taken advantage of and led to believe I was the one at fault". I was ALWAYS the one who ended up making apologies when it should've been the other party. However, I understand that now, because that person simply "lacked the concept" of what an apology (a verbal, from the heart apology) meant. Call it "self pride", or "call it, "fuck you, you're an asshole". I can accept that, really! Basically, I do believe in "what goes around comes bitchslappin' backatcha!"

Boiled down this equates to the fact that I "have to start my life from the ground up." And you know? I am! Thanks to being a "hard working sonamuhbitch" who's talented, believes in himself, is resilient and has the faith of friends and family. It goes without saying.

There is one thing though that bothers me more than ANY thing in this world and that is, "blaming your lowlife-freaking existence on everybody and anything else!" When you become ANGERED and IRRITATED about life and the bullshit it deals you....?! And when someone (like me) wants to give a helping hand only to SEE that my hand is doing nothing than MAINTAINING their ADDICTION to the lowlife misery YOU conjour up....I say, "FUCK YOU!" And FUCK YOU for blaming your petty bullshit on me and others!

TOO BAD you live outta the pocket change of others! "I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND AM DEALING WITH IT!" "GETTA LIFE, OR GET REHAB!" "BUT NEVER,..NEVER,..FUCKING EVER,..BITCH AT ME FOR YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!!!"

and I quote; "Here is the deal. It's a real simple factoid:Once you pick up the pipe, it doesn't let you go. Ever."

I am so sorry. And I am sorry I read that. I saw talent that was and still remains in a pool of self-pity. Me, I prefer knowing at the end of the day that "I am loved." My children, my friends,..it's unconditional! They know I love and laugh and "relish" each freaking moment of my life, because of this one ideal. And that is, "tomorrow is going to be a better day, because I WANT it to be!"

"If you can't deal with reality, than stick with the Dealer."

Profundity at 4:30 in the morning

I really need to think what I have done all MY LIFE, what did I do all MY LIFE, why I did what I did all MY LIFE and "what the fuck I'm gonna do with the rest of MY LIFE."

It is comparable to almost stepping in dogshit; "you see it, acknowledge it, respect it and ignore for the next dumbass to step in it."

(I need to know how these tidbits of "profundity arise"....is it the Tequila?!?)

**as written in Facebook February 2, 2010 by the "Tropical Gypsy"**

Doh!

Wanted to write...maybe I'd rather "veg". Guess I'm tired, deeply tired. It was a helluva year, that 2009! Good memories, bad memories, happiness, hurt. I find I still carry fucking "baggage". Closure? Never had it. Can't be pissed off, that just doesn't do anything except waste time and energies toward a "new future".

And then I'm not alone. I find that life has dealt a "mind numbing" club to thousands. Just check online dating,.."no, don't". Everybody is looking for a prince, or princess! Insanity!

Like the song sings, "Somewhere over the Rainbow, way up high. And the dream that you dream of...."

Somebody get me a Eukelele!

Well, this is it for tonight. Just not in the mood. Braincloud!

Happy 2010 Everybody!